


Guilt Tripping

by kinkymastermind (writingcreature)



Series: The-Aftermath-Series [4]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Coda, Desperation, Episode Fix-it, Episode Fix-it: s08e07, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 23:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12805164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingcreature/pseuds/kinkymastermind
Summary: Steve centered fix-it for episode 8.07.  Call it a prequel to my other fix-it "The-Heist-Aftermath." After I've posted this fix-it, I came to the conclusion that the way the writers had handled Steve's "mishap" was more than unsatisfying because after he'd learned he'd shot not one of their own but a perp he went back to SuperSEAL mode. And that's it with all the angst and stuff in this episode. Gimme a break. Not even SuperSEAL Steve can make such a u-turn in his behavior. Probably until the bad guys were caught. But we did not see any repercussions. Instead, he drove Adam home and met with Tani after she called him, without further ado. Ignoring his own feelings. What about all the hours he'd spent in utter despair, all alone because Danny wasn't there? I had expected a meltdown at some point. The ending of the episode left me, even more, craving for some depth.





	Guilt Tripping

Steve drove aimlessly through the darkened streets of Honolulu. He'd left Tani's place about 20 minutes ago. She’d admitted to him the stunt she’d pulled getting her brother away from an impending HPD raid, and how Grover had helped hide the proof by erasing video surveillance. There hadn't been much he had had to say to her because he was in no mood for lecturing a teammate. Sure, he would have a heart-to-heart talk with Grover at some point, but today he felt so exhausted and worn out that he hardly followed their conversation. His head was filled with flashes from his own shooting incident, and he’d had to force himself even to pay enough attention to Tani to keep up with her story. He was almost thankful when they’d finally told each other goodbye.

Today he was so sick and tired of being the leader, the hero, the savior, and any other glorifying nouns his team could come up with after he'd busted the bad guys. After all, it had been a team effort. Talking about team…There it was, that numbness he felt inside of him. The closest description he could come up with was an endless void, an emptiness that made it hard even to take a deep breath. He glanced at his phone that was lying on the passenger seat. It would've been his umpteenth attempt to get Danny on the phone.

Unfortunately, every single call went straight to voicemail. All he wanted was to hear Danny's voice. Not the funny stuff he and the kids had recorded. He wanted the real, authentic voice of Danny Williams. Most of all, he wanted his partner to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. To have that level of assurance, that this too would pass, and that Danny wouldn’t look at him any differently because of what he’d done, would be the only thing that could possibly remove the weight from Steve’s chest.

Right now, Steve felt like he was in limbo. When Tani had asked him to look at the monitor so he could see for himself that he didn't kill a cop but one of the perps that robbed the bank, he’d felt a short relief, but it lasted only a few seconds. It wasn't even a minute before the weight settled back on him with full force.

He should've celebrated with his team. However, given the circumstances of Adam returning to Oahu sans Kono, and Tani’s ongoing issues with her brother, nobody was really in the mood for throwing a party. Today they had done their job. And for the more significant part of the day, Steve thought he'd shot one of their own.

As he drove on autopilot towards his home, Steve’s mood plummeted even more. He didn't want to go home and end up facing Junior's pitiful looks. Yes, he was a good kid and all. But the longer he stayed in Steve's house, the more Steve doubted his decision to give him a temporary home so he wouldn't have to stay in the shelter.

Steve wondered what he would've given for one of Danny's snarky remarks right here and now. He’d missed his friend since the blonde detective had boarded a plane to New Jersey four days ago. Instead, Steve made a U-turn. He had the key to Danny's house in the glove department. His friend had asked him to keep an eye on his property while he was gone, and he'd also told Steve to drop by whenever he wanted. He knew Steve valued his privacy over almost everything, and with a new roommate (albeit a temporary one) and even a new pet, Danny knew Steve would need alone time eventually. "Mi casa es su casa," Danny had told him with a big fat grin on his face when he dropped the keys into Steve's hand.

They had been celebrating the closing of a big case. At first, Steve had thought Danny was only joking and would pull his hand back as soon as Steve reached for the keys. He had been wrong. They had talked a lot about taking their friendship to the next level until they realized that they'd been there all along. It was Kamekona – once more – who came up with an engraved wooden board with a nice quote on it that read, “The couples that are meant to be are the ones that go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than they were before.”

Their relationship must've become more than obvious when Kamekona made another attempt to nudge them in the right direction. The logo from the McDanno’s Bar and Grill t-shirt still brought a knowing smile to Steve’s face, because as much as Danny had protested it, Steve had a feeling they’d end up using it anyway. Everyone knew Kamekona wasn't exactly the chatty type. Not like Danny, who sometimes talked like one of Al Capone's machine guns.

Steve finally parked his car outside the driveway of Danny’s house and headed up the gravel path to the front porch. A cold chill ran down his spine when he set foot on the first step. He stopped dead in his tracks. Yes, Danny had given him his permission to go inside as soon as he’d dropped those keys in the former SEAL’s hand. However, tonight would be the first time Steve would enter his friend's house without him. That felt strangely wrong. Steve would feel like a stalker in a poorly written B-movie. He shook his head and sat down on the second concrete stair. A gentle breeze was blowing from the shore and goosebumps rose on his forearms. Being busy with recuperating today's events, though, he ignored them.

His mind started replaying the events of the day before Steve could stop them, and his breath grew shallow until he was practically gasping for air. The feel of the trigger as he’d pulled it that last time, the eerie silence following the echoing report of the gunshot, seeing the officer drenched in blood motionless on the ground… Steve struggled to get his breathing under control as he recalled his body instantly flipping the autopilot switch. He was an officer of the law, and his mind told him a fellow officer’s life was in danger. He had to detach himself mentally from the situation to properly function physically, to get the man the medical attention he’d so obviously needed. If Danny had been there, Steve knew his voice alone would’ve helped him keep his focus even more than his SEAL training had.

It had all been in vain when the doctor returned from the operating room, pulled down his green cap, and said, "I’m sorry, Commander, but…he’s gone. There was too much damage. We would've needed a miracle to save him."

A miracle… Sometimes they happened, didn’t they?

"Gimme a break, Steven," his inner Danny had said, "Since when do you and I believe in miracles? Don’t be delusional, my friend."

Steve ran from the hospital lobby so fast. Nobody could get in a word to try to stop him. He felt like he was choking on the doctor’s last words. As he’d plopped down on a bench near the exit, Steve had begun to wonder if this guy had had a family. What would they say when they learned he’d died of friendly fire. He’d died because Steve “SuperSEAL” McGarrett had royally screwed up.

Steve hardly listened to Lou when he had sat down next to him and spoken to him in a calm and father-like voice. Steve had no patience for the understanding Lou was trying to impart on him, because it came down to the fact that Steve had pulled the trigger without looking and, with that, he’d taken the life of a brother in blue.

In the middle of Lou’s sentence, Steve had jumped to his feet and stormed off. He hadn’t felt this alone since the day he’d returned to Oahu knowing he’d never see his father again. He knew that his team was waiting inside the hospital for him to return, but he just couldn’t find the will to make that kind of trek. He’d mulled the shooting over, trying to see it from as many angles as possible, but it always ended in the same way.

"You can watch it in Technicolor, you can watch it in black and white, and you can watch it in slow-mo. Nothing’s gonna change, Steve."

Steve jerked his head in the direction Danny's voice came from. Of course, there was no one there.

"It's all in your mind, Steven."

"If you aren't real, why the fuck don't you leave me alone?" Steve had snapped to the empty space.

A nurse that passed by gave him a bewildered look but kept on walking.

"Awesome, now I’m talkin’ to myself," he’d muttered.

This time, he actually waited for a snarky comment from his invisible partner. When it didn’t come, the pain in his chest drew to nearly unbearable levels. Anybody else would’ve assumed they had a heart attack, but Steve knew better than that.

The ache he’d felt was the part that was missing whenever Danny wasn't there. How could he be surrounded by so many team members and still feel like the loneliest human being, Steve wondered.

Steve ran both hands over his face, whispering to the empty air, "Where the hell are you, Danno?"

It was a stupid question because Steve knew where Danny was, but he hoped when he started this little inner monologue, at least his partner's voice would return. But he'd been wrong.

The cold and the emptiness he felt inside were spreading like wildfire through his intestines and sent him almost reeling to the ground. He caught himself at one of the white concrete pillars.

Steve snapped his eyes open and found himself still sitting on the stairs of Danny’s home. He must've fallen asleep. Yet he didn’t feel any better or even less tired than before. If anything, he felt even worse. His eyes burned with the need to shed tears, of regret, of suffering, of healing, but Steve squeezed his eyes shut to fight them back.

He felt like something as big as a boulder had been buried in his heart, and his body felt numb as though a whole part had abandoned him. Steve's head was a blur, and he couldn't exactly say how he felt. There was no way to regain control of his thoughts, and a crushing sense of loneliness came from someplace unknown, gripping his heart and seeping in from all sides. He was alone, and he felt a dogged, desperate longing that could not be tamed for the one who had left.

So he was more than surprised when the darkness that surrounded him was suddenly illuminated by a pair of headlights that cut through the night.  
  
Follow up The-Heist-Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to Shannon, who nudged me in the right direction and helped me express my thoughts in the most efficient way.


End file.
